Have a question that has been nagging you for a while now but you are too embarrassed to ask aloud? Worry not, email me your question and I shall answer!
This week, I was asked, “How should I respond when someone shares something personal and I do not think there is absolutely anything I can say that will help them?”
Hi 'How-can-I-be-a-better-listener’! Firstly, thank you for sending in this question. Knowing when and how to be silent is an essential aspect of learning to communicate effectively. Without further ado, let us begin with a quick lesson from Sheldon Cooper on what do if someone is sad/distressed/anxious/upset
While the series plays it for laughs, Sheldon’s offer of a hot beverage might not be off the mark. The only thing better than pouring your heart out to someone, is to pour your heart out over a cup of tea. So keep that kettle on and read on,
Say Nothing
If you are in the privileged position of somebody bringing you something that is incredibly personal to them all you need to do is shut up, say nothing. As tempting as it might be to follow it up with a relatable story from your life, do not. Do not don your problem solving hat either. Maybe they are not looking for solutions. Let them express themselves. Give them the time and the space they need to do that, even if there are these awkward silent pauses. Just give them the space.
Reflect it back
Step 2, reflect back to them what they have just said and the beauty of this bit is you don't need to come up with anything new you are literally summarising what they have said back to them. So you would say something along the lines of : so it seems you are having a really hard time with this Steve.
There is a bonus tip here : if you can use in their name, even better.
Tell me more
Step 3, I am about to give you the 3 most powerful words when it comes to active listening : tell me more!
I use this all the time with clients and in my personal life, if someone is explaining something to you but they are worried they don't wanna take up too much time and you can just tell there is a little bit they are holding back on and even if there isn't, tell me more are the 3 magic words that can unlock everything and get them to express even more to you about the problem. You are still not problem solving here, you are just encouraging them in their own time to talk about the issue.
There you go, your three step to listen better.
I am sure these will go a long way in making you an active listener and someone people feel comfortable around.
Cheers!
P.S. This is an accurate representation of how forceful you look when you do the 'mmm hmm okay alright, yeah yeah yeah yeah abslutely yeah right right right right okay' thing
